To tell my story I first have to tell the story of my parents. My mother grew up in a highly abusive family. Her grandfather molested, abused, and/or raped all of his children. My other grandfather dulled his anxiety and emotions with alcohol and took it out on my father and his siblings.
To continue the cycle I was molested and raped by a younger female relative starting when I was 7. Before it started I had no concept of sex or sexually. My mother feared speaking about it because of her generational trauma and my father, emotionally muted, rarely spoke of anything of real substance. It started out slow and I fought it for a long time but eventually I gave in. I was a very lonely child because I was different from everyone else. I did not have a way to define it at the time but I was gay and I knew as early as first grade. I craved attention and that is what she gave me. I knew it was wrong but my body betrayed me. I let her do what she wanted. My parents left us alone a lot at that age. My mother was suffering from clinical depression and my father intense anxiety. It all came to a head when my grandmother caught us in the act and told us to, "stop being nasty." I was terrified she would tell my parents and they would never look at me the same way again. In the end she told my father. My father told me that I shouldn't do those things to my sister and from the conversation I could tell he believed that I was the abuser.
Since that day I have been silenced fearing no one would believe me. What if everyone, like my father, believed I was the abuser? Strangely enough I forgave my abuser even before I forgave myself. I came to understand that she was abused before me. I hope the cycle ends with us.