My name is Sierra and I was molested by my older brother. I don’t remember what age I was because I‘ve suppressedy so much of my childhood but I‘m thinking I was around 10 years old or younger.
I had no one to go to or tell what had happened to me. My parents knew something was wrong but they never did anything or asked me about it. I remember the day it happened, I said something that was hinting towards the fact that my brother had molested me and my mom just looked at me with absolute disgust. Instantly,
I felt this immense shame like I caused it to happened and because of that, I stuffed my feelings so far down that it had made me emotionally numb throughout my childhood.
For a while, being numb felt amazing because when negative feelings would arise, I didn’t have to deal with it. It was like my brain said “mhm not today” and stuffed it back down again. I didn’t realize how detrimental it would be to me in the long run because I was only a child at the time trying to survive.
The year I realize that being emotionally numb was slowly affecting me was when I evaluated my life and noticed i didn’t have any real friendships, haven’t cried in years, and was uncomfortable with any form of intimacy.
I’m currently 21 and haven’t been in one relationship. The thought of being sexually involved with someone makes me feel shame and uneasy. I crave intimacy but I don’t know how to properly receive or give it.
I’m still on my journey to healing but the one person that has change my life is God. God has gotten me through my worst days. If I didn’t believe in God, I’m pretty sure I would’ve committed suicide already. Before, I thought God was punishing me. I was sexually assaulted by two people in middle school, I developed depression/anxiety, and I’m currently struggling with a food addiction. Through it all, I know God is still with me. The best lesson God has taught me was the power of forgiveness.
Deep down, younger me was so upset with my parents for not protecting me. To this day, my mom still won’t acknowledge the pain she has severely caused me. My dad (who sadly passed away from cancer 2 years ago) did acknowledge that he did fail me as a parent and I have since forgiven both of them. I forgive them for not being who I needed them to be. Because of God, I found the strength to forgive them.
Thank you for listening and thank you Sebastian for sharing your story and creating this platform for others like me to share our stories!❤️