So I guess first off I should mention that I was raised very LDS (Mormon); so super strict household for the most part. I was raised to keep quiet and do as I’m told and be the best little Mormon girl I could be. I had to cover up my body and treat it as a temple. So a lot of pressure for a kid lol. In my opinion....
On my dads side the family was very large and we would have family reunions every year. I should also mention that we lived farther away for seven years and when we moved back we had a lot of catching up to do. So we had an aunt and uncle with 8 kids living about an hour away so we would go visit them here and there. And sometimes we would have sleepovers and just do what normal families do. Only my family is not now nor will ever be normal. So basically my aunt had two girls and the rest were boys, one of the girls was quite a bit older and the other one was about 3 years older than me. I loved hanging out with them because they wore makeup and had loads of dress up clothes.
I basically was their doll when I was there, they would do my hair and makeup and always dress me up and I loved it! Until the games started getting more and more inappropriate. So when it first started happening I was around 7(or at least my earliest memories of it). The cousin that was closer to my age started wanting to play just us; and I was okay with that because I was a kid and loved her, I didn‘t even think in the slightest something bad would ever happen.
They were a big family so they always lived in houses with a huge yard and plenty of space to explore. Well I thought she was just the coolest person ever and she started showing me around all her cool “hangout” hideouts. They had this basement and in the living room up against a wall was a foosball table or something like that and underneath that there was a hole in the wall and she took my through it which ended up being like a closet space or something under the stairs that they just tried to cover up. I think that’s where the first molestation started. But I can’t be sure, I have very few vague memories of the whole thing. I remember just gliding my fingers along the pretty dresses I would wear while it was happening. just hope it would all end soon. Trying to keep my mind focused on something else, but usually I would disassociate and I would end up being up above looking down and watching. She always made everything into a game and I was her puppet, she told me what to wear, what character I was and everything. Sometimes I was a girl which I loved because I could dress up, wear makeup and high heels! (Which I wasn’t allowed to wear), and sometimes I was a boy and wore capes and that always made me feel so much worse. I hated being molested obviously but I was so young and I didn’t want to give up all the dress up and games and fun we were having just because I had to take a little abuse here and there lol. I didn’t really know what was happening I just now it caused me a lot of shame and feelings of disgust within myself. She also had an easy bake oven and a juice thing that I just thought was the coolest thing ever. Well this goes on for awhile and then my older and only brother says to my mom he needs to tell her something. And they all left me in the dark for awhile and I didn’t know what was going on. Until we went to church on Sunday and my brother wasn't allowed to sit with the other boys his age or pass the sacrament. And then he had to talk to the bishop after church. It was extremely humiliating and degrading for my brother and he was being punished for something that was out of his control. So basically the older brother of the cousin that had been molesting me was making my brother pull his pants down and show him his dick. So there was no physical contact from what I know and it still caused a huge blowup. Within the church, within my immediate family, and extended. And that’s when I realized I was never going to be able to tell a soul about my trauma. Because in my mind that’s way worse. I thought everyone would be mad at me and blame me and think I was a lesbian which I’m not even sure I knew about when I was younger but who knows lol. It’s crazy to me to see how many people are being/ have been molested/raped by girl(s). I always thought I was alone and an outcast and no one would take me seriously. But I’m quickly seeing that I was wrong. We didn’t see each other as much for awhile because our moms wanted to kill each other, but eventually things went right back to how they were. Only this time I would go over a lot more often alone. My brother stopped going over there and my mom would drop me off chat a little and dart. Well anyway this goes on for several years, and I didn’t tell a soul. So from about ages 7-14. And when I was 14 my parents divorced and I didn’t see my dads side as much which I was fine with but also kind of angry about for some reason.
Well fast forward to when I’m 17 and I finally snap and have to tell my parents.. and the reason for that is because the older girl; let’s call her Melony. She had been married and at the time was going through a divorce. Well her creepy ass husband left her because she had gotten “too old” for him. So he turned to me and started stalking me when I was 17. My dad was going to murder him so we called the police to report him and they basically said that I’m almost 18 and there’s nothing they can do. “Harmless flirting” is what the officer told my dad. Because even though he was 33 he wasn’t ”acting out in violence” and it was harmless.
So my family wanted me to talk to Melony about this and I couldn’t. And I knew I had to tell them about the molestation with her sister Em. So I finally sat them down to tell them. I felt like I was going to die on the spot. But my mom told me it makes sense because I was so put off by PDA and touching and basically anything involving sex and that’s not normal for a teenage girl; even though we were super religious. My dad however told me not to tell anyone else because this could ruin her life. Funny because it ruined mine 😂
Well then I started to go to counseling when I was 18 or 19 and I told my counselor and she had me report it. Well by now she has like three or four daughters.. and that was the main concern. Only the officer told me that the statue to limitations is too far and we were both kids. You know how those kids play, it’s all innocent. He also told me it was her word against mine and I basically gave up even trying. So then back track to when I was 16, my mom was pretty abusive and we were living in a split level home and I was on the landing crying and she was at the top yelling down at me. Well basically we hear a truck so I look out the peep hole in our door. I watch this big red lifter truck pull into the drive way and my dads old construction worker got out. And I watched him as he kept grabbing tools and materials and putting them at the side of the house. Which was weird but he looked a little intoxicated anyways.
So I’m reporting all of this to my mom and then he comes to the door. The closer he gets the more I panic and he shoves the door open pinning me against the wall, I’m crying and screaming and try to tell him my dad moved out.
well he had just stolen a bunch of construction equipment and materials and was using our house to hide them. He was pretty intoxicated so most of what he was saying was hard to understand. I tried to look at my mom through teary eyes but she was gone. she went into her room and hid. So he pushes my down the rest of the stairs and rapes me.
I completely removed myself from my body and tried to block everything out. Well it’s not that I was trying it was just happening. I wasn’t in my body anymore. I repressed all the memories after that, I don’t remember him leaving or seeing my mom. All I know is we never talked about it again. Fast forward again to when I was 19, I was working at a grocery store and this man came in, he was charming and super friendly and asked if I wanted to go to the drive in movies, which was like my favorite! So I agreed to go, I barley knew this mans name, let alone anything else about him. Well I asked my dad if I could just this once borrow his truck so me and ”my friend“ Lexie could go see this movie. Well he agreed, I obviously lied and went to meet up with this fool. So I pick him up at a Taco Bell or something and he had a bunch of alcohol and snacks which was cool because I couldn’t legally drink yet. The movie started he offered me drinks and snacks but for some reason I didn’t want to drink, something felt off and I realized I put myself In a bad situation. He kept trying to touch me and I eventually said that was okay but just above my pants. Well eventually he’s raping me and all I can remember is a single tear coming out and then everything going numb. A couple days or weeks go by and I missed my period, so I’m freaking out and go to the doctor, they tested me for everything including a pregnancy test. The results came back negative but I found out I had chlamydia. oh my god... how embarrassing! I was mortified, I was crying the entire appointment and finally told the doctor what happen, which was a huge weight lifted and then I waited for the cops to contact me for more info assuming the doctor told. I didn’t realize that because I was over 18 they couldn’t do that.
Well a couple weeks go by and I go to the grocery store and guess who I run into. This nasty mother fucker and his wife! And children. He was also like 33, 34 at that time. Which I obviously didn’t know. I finally got the courage to report him after all these years and In 2017 or 2018 I went in to the sheriffs department to file the report, they downloaded my entire phone to look at texts and calls, everything. But again there had been some time that had passed and it was basically his word against mine, plus the doctors notes.
But they made me feel like after all this time he must have just done something to make me mad and now I’m saying this to hurt him. So when I left that day I never went back. I don’t know if they ever even tried getting ahold of him. There was one last time that I recall that when I was in high school, senior year I got invited to a party/hangout by this guy I liked. Which I was excited but when I got there it was just him and two other dudes and me. And they had all already been drinking heavily. he called me back into the back bedroom and wanted to apologize to me for how badly he treated me and then he proceeded to rape me. He tried to invite the other two boys but they changed their minds.
alls well that ends well 😂
Sorry for the scatteredness lol Ive never typed this out and I’m not the most literate person ever but I’m just thankful for being able to share my story in a safe space and with safe people that will also understand and not judge me. I have a lot of issues I need to work out but seeing all of you gives me more strength! And thank you Sebastian for starting all of this and giving this to us; it feels good to heal ❤️